I fasted yesterday am fasting today . I want to complete the six days of fasting (sunnat ) during the Syawal month as soon as possible . Moreover I have discovered that fasting is good for health especially to elderly people like me . I have reduced my weight by about 5 kgs during the fasting month .Besides it is a religious ritual which we will be rewarded by God, it is also beneficial to our health . I am determined that I would try my very best to fast on every Monday and Thursday .
Since the second day of Hari Raya I have been staying at home . I do not have the mood to go out . I just feel I do not know where to go . I spend my time by reading and watching TV . I find solace at home . May be that is how most elderly people like me feel . Azman has gone to Penang to his in-laws place and I do not know whether I want to go JB to send Farin back to her campus this Saturday . May be I would just allow my wife with Aizad to go . Instead I want to find a place somewhere on my own away from distractions . I need to think about myself ( muhasabah diri ) to seek guidance from the almighty on my complicated path life . Perhaps I may go to Port Dickson to fish .
People might think that I am a very happy man because I am staying in a posh bungalow house , having an expensive car and some property , enough cash to spend and have no worries on the future . In actual fact my life is not what as it appears to be . Physically I may look happy but spiritually I am not . I am not very happy looking at the situation of my family . My brothers and sisters are far apart . They are not that good to each other as if they envy at each others success . The not so successful one began to have an inferiority complex and seclude themselves from the others .As a result they shun each other . This is worsened by my mother who should be the unifying factor but took sides and instead became the instigator . Each time I made some effort to unify them by having get togethers and things of that sort were looked upon with suspicions . Some of them including my mother did not even attend my son Azman's wedding last year . Any way that does not dampen my spirit to make another effort to unify the family . I long to see my family as united as before my father's death .
Of late too my wife has been very rude to me and being an old man it hurts my feelings . I do not know what is wrong with her .Some say it is because of her menopause that caused her to be unstable both physically and mentally . I have been very patient . I do not know how long I can tolerate her behavior . If I am not that patient , long ago I would have chucked her away . Sometimes I feel I should live some where on my own . Infact I have been contemplating to live in a ' pondok ' /religious community at a Madarasah in Kelantan / Trengganu /Kedah .Any way that would be a last resort decision . I would still prefer to be home and hope my wife would change her behavior .
