Today is another Hari Raya for me .

I am celebrating another Hari Raya today . Do you know why ? Because I've completed my 6 days of fasting during the Syawal month yesterday . My wife is still fasting today , her sixth day . I am happy I've performed the sunnah fast this year . I have another duty to do , that is to pay zakah which I was determined to do it each year but failed because of unavoidable reasons . I know not all the property that I have belongs to me absolutely . Part of it also belongs to the needy . I would like to share whatever I have with them too . Any way that does not mean I have not been paying zakah all these years . I do but not through the official ( via the Zakah's office ) way .

Age is catching up with me and I am determined to catch up with the loss years of living in ' fantasies ' . If during my younger days I had shirked my responsibilities to God , now I would want to follow strictly to the tenets of Islam . I know it would be almost impossible to catch up with the loss years . At least I would make attempts rather than give up hope . Our Prophet Muhammad ( pbh.) once said God hates people who easily give up hope . I do not want to belong to that category of people .

This week end I intend to go back to my kampong to pay respect to my grandmother's grave and also to visit relatives in Bagan Datok and Teluk Intan . I know I have not been paying them visits for some time because during my working days I was too busy with my ' work ' as not to find time to visit them . Now that I am retired I realized that I have not been fair to them . They are the remaining close relatives that I have in this world and we need to renew our relationships . One of my cousins of my age whom I have not seen for almost 40 years , is now wheel chair bound . He was a graduate school teacher . I would want to visit him in Teluk Intan . I am thankfull to Allah that I am still able to walk about .

May Allah guide me to the right path . The path that He had accepted all the faithfulls to Heaven .

Ameen.

In memory of Opah .

Today , eight years ago on 23rd.October 1999 , my dear grandmother whom we called ' Opah ' passed away at our mother's home in Sabak Bernam . She was then about 90 years old . She died alone in her room without anyone on her bedside ,without anyone to comfort her and without anyone to guide her to recite the ' syahadah ' . She died brocken hearted after feeling dejected because no one seemed interested to care for her . Even her own daughter who was supposed to look after her felt she was a burden to her . As a result she vent her anger on the poor old woman .I do not want to brood over the past because it would only make me angry over someone who had mistreated her .

Actually prior to living with my mother , Opah was staying with me most of the time . She was with me when I was in Muar , Segamat ,Johor Bahru ,Banting and Shah Alam . Of course not all the time . She came and went as she pleased . I do not know why she liked me so much , perhaps because I used to treat her well and entertained her to hear her stories .She liked someone to talk to . However when I was transferred to Port Dickson , she could not follow me because I was then staying alone . My wife remained in Shah Alam for the sake of the school-going children . Even that she did come to stay with me in Port Dickson once when I brought her there for a week or so .

When her health was failing she asked me to send her to my mother's place . Perhaps she was not very comfortable without my presence in the house in Shah Alam .The rest members of my family did not know how to entertain her .But sending her back to the kampong was the biggest mistake that I made which I so much regretted till today . Perhaps she would live longer if she had stayed with my family in Shah Alam .

Any way the majority of her years were with me . She was closed to me . I was told she was the one who brought me up when I was a kid . She would bathed me , fed me and put me to sleep when the time came for me to do so . Even when I was already big child she would also carry me around either on her hips or on her back to pamper me .I was closer to her more than to my mother . She was also closer to me than to my siblings .During the school holidays I would normally stay with my grandmother . She was the one whom I could look forward to . She was my adviser , teacher and mentor . Whenever I had any problem it would be from her that I sought advice .

When I was to get married to my wife she was the one who helped arranged everything . My mother and father were not supportive of my marrying my wife because I was told that they had some one else ( a relative ) in mind . My Opah was the one who did everything from A to Z to ensure that my marriage took place smoothly . My wife should be thankful to her for without her she would not have married me .

She was a strong lady until she had a fall at my brother's house in Subang Jaya during her short stay there . I was later told that she was accidentally pushed by one of my underaged nephews . However ,Opah never complained . After that , I took her back to my house and after finding that she was suffering from pain on her hips , I brought her to the University Hospital Petaling Jaya where she was operated on . An artificial bone ( steel ) was fixed to her hip bone to replace the broken one . However , after the operation she was still in pain and could not walk without the aid of a crutch . The doctor told me that it would take some time for her to adjust to the new affixed artificial bone . From then on I noticed she was not that lively as before . Once a while she would talk about death and told me that her days would come to end soon .Of course I would refute that as nonsence and told her she would live longer to see our ( my children's and mine )successes . She would then told me that she would still see ( from Heaven ) our successes even if she died .

If I were to be asked who was the person that I love most , I would definitely say without hesitation that it was my dear gradmother whom we called Opah . When she passed away I felt I had lost some one very very dear to me in my life . It took some time for me to overcome my sorrows .

Another the thing that I admire most about her was that she was a very kind person . She would want to help others even to the extent that would put her into difficulties .She never complained about others especially her closed ones . She kept all her agonies and sorrows to herself . Being closed to her I knew she was not too happy with some people . She did not want to trouble others . Infact she used to tell me that if she died she did not want to troble us .She had kept some money some money ( which she saved over the years which was more than RM2000/- ) for her burial expenses . I always told her that she should not worry over that because it was our responsiblity that she be given a proper burial .When she died we did not used a single sen from her savings for her burial expenses . I paid everything .

" Opah , you are always in my heart . Each time I go back to the kampong I would visit your grave and would recite the surah ( verse ) ' Yassin ' or the ' Alfatihah ' . Infact it can be said that if it had not been for the purpose of visiting your grave , I would not want to go back there . Opah I pray that you would be among the faithfulls in Heaven . May you rest in peace " .

Ameen .

A tribute to Abah .

( This year's Hari Raya bring back memories of my late father ).


Abah , it's 7 years since you left us,
your departure was a sudden one ,
it shocked us ,
the sorrow on us not easy to overcome .


Abah , how are you there ?
Is it a pleasant one ?
be retuned to the Creator ,
Allah , God the only one .


Abah , you are now in eternity ,
while we are still here .
We miss your company ,
which we cherish forever .


You brought and fed us ,
of which we are thankfull .
Regret we failed to repay the dues,
which you should get in full.


Abah , I feel sorry ,
you did not enjoy your life .
You left us before we could be ready,
to provide you the best .


However , as God says,
" that eternal life is much more fun,
than the worldly life " .
I am sorry most mankind accept that as better than none .


Abah , do not be unduly concerned ,
like you use to be when your were around .
For the seeds of success that you sowed ,
have begun to bear fruit and enable us to fend .


Abah , rest in peace in Heaven ,
Ameen .


Your loving son .

I am not that happy man .

I fasted yesterday am fasting today . I want to complete the six days of fasting (sunnat ) during the Syawal month as soon as possible . Moreover I have discovered that fasting is good for health especially to elderly people like me . I have reduced my weight by about 5 kgs during the fasting month .Besides it is a religious ritual which we will be rewarded by God, it is also beneficial to our health . I am determined that I would try my very best to fast on every Monday and Thursday .

Since the second day of Hari Raya I have been staying at home . I do not have the mood to go out . I just feel I do not know where to go . I spend my time by reading and watching TV . I find solace at home . May be that is how most elderly people like me feel . Azman has gone to Penang to his in-laws place and I do not know whether I want to go JB to send Farin back to her campus this Saturday . May be I would just allow my wife with Aizad to go . Instead I want to find a place somewhere on my own away from distractions . I need to think about myself ( muhasabah diri ) to seek guidance from the almighty on my complicated path life . Perhaps I may go to Port Dickson to fish .

People might think that I am a very happy man because I am staying in a posh bungalow house , having an expensive car and some property , enough cash to spend and have no worries on the future . In actual fact my life is not what as it appears to be . Physically I may look happy but spiritually I am not . I am not very happy looking at the situation of my family . My brothers and sisters are far apart . They are not that good to each other as if they envy at each others success . The not so successful one began to have an inferiority complex and seclude themselves from the others .As a result they shun each other . This is worsened by my mother who should be the unifying factor but took sides and instead became the instigator . Each time I made some effort to unify them by having get togethers and things of that sort were looked upon with suspicions . Some of them including my mother did not even attend my son Azman's wedding last year . Any way that does not dampen my spirit to make another effort to unify the family . I long to see my family as united as before my father's death .

Of late too my wife has been very rude to me and being an old man it hurts my feelings . I do not know what is wrong with her .Some say it is because of her menopause that caused her to be unstable both physically and mentally . I have been very patient . I do not know how long I can tolerate her behavior . If I am not that patient , long ago I would have chucked her away . Sometimes I feel I should live some where on my own . Infact I have been contemplating to live in a ' pondok ' /religious community at a Madarasah in Kelantan / Trengganu /Kedah .Any way that would be a last resort decision . I would still prefer to be home and hope my wife would change her behavior .

Alisya with her mama.

Alisya with her papa.

Azman and Shidah.

Alisya with her Mak Tok

My family on Ist.Day of Hari Raya .

Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2007 ( 1428 H )

As usual the Hari Raya Aidilfitri started with our Aidilfitri's prayer . We ( Azman and I ) decided to perform our aidilfitri prayer at the Selangor state mosque in Shah Alam because we wanted to pay our respect to my late father at the Muslim cemetry in Sec.21, Shah Alam . We reached the mosque at about 7.30 am and it was already crowded . By 8.00 am it was already full . The ladies prayer hall which was at the ground floor was also extra ordinaraly crowded ,the majority of whom were Indonesian factory workers who came by the buses . The Sultan of Selangor and his entourage came slighly before 8.30 am , that was when the prayer was about to begin . It was extremely cold inside the mosque because the airconditoned was set full blast . The prayer went well .However the khutbah was a little bit bored as if the Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor ( JAIS ) who prepared the text ran out of ideas . Some of the Bangladeshis and Indonesians left the prayer hall perhaps because they were either bored or they did not understand what the imam was mumbling .Everything was over by about 9.30 am.

After that we went straight to the Muslim cemetry at Sec.21, Shah Alam . We wanted to reach the place earlier because we wanted to avoid being caught in traffic jams . Unlike the previous years I did not find any difficulty in locating my father's grave . I recited the 'surah Yassin' and read the doa for my late father so that he would be among the faithfulls , rest in peace and be spared from whatever punishment . I miss my father so much . Although he might not be the best father , he had performed his responsibilities to the best of his ability of which I must be very thankful to him .

We came back home at about 10.30 am. Once everything was settled there was this yearly ' ritual ' of asking forgiveness . My wife ,children and their spouses and grand daughter would come to me to beg forgiveness and the young ones would get their angpows .

After that visitors started flowing to my house . Unlike last year the number of visitors were more because my old non Malay friends had found out that I am now living in Klang . I hardly had any time to rest . Close relatives like my brother and sisters in law with their families also came to visit us .

However the second day of Hari Raya was a quiet one and so in the afternoon we went to Puterajaya to visit our niece Asrina and her children . Brothers in law Mahadi and Hassan and uncle Pak Rashid were already there . From time to time the 3 room apartment was buzzing with laughter because the two brothers in law were real jokers . I think they are fit to have a slot -clown programme of their own on our TV .

In the evening after Maghrib prayer we came to Shah Alam at my wife's eldest sister - Cik Cah. There was a big crowd there and there was hardly any space to sit . We were quite contented when we finally managed to sit on the floor at one corner of the house . Again the two jokers cracked some jokes and we laughed heartily .

We came back home late at night .

On the 3rd day of Hari Raya some visitors came in the afternoon . My wife's cousins Raha and Yati and their families came . Later Azman's mother in-law from Penang came with some relatives from Langat . They came in 3 cars .

I have yet the time to visit my immediate neighbours .According to the ' hadith ' of our Prophet Muhammad ( pbh.) our immediate neighbours should be nicely treated .Infact the Prophet ( pbh.) said , it is our responsibility to ensure that our neighbours are having enough food to eat . Each time I asked my wife to accompany me to visit them she would find excuses . I do not know what is wrong with her . She expects people to come to her first . I think she has got some inferiority complex in her which nothing much I can do to help her . I guess I just got to give her an ultimatum - either she follows me or I may go without her . If that is the case I am sure she would never go on her own .